you don't own me

i play my bass naked

one thing's for sure
i will get this guy to play at my wedding:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xjJXT0C0X4

who am i kidding?
i don't want a wedding
but i want this guy

obsessions happen fast!

he grinds his teeth in his sleep, jaw tectonics,
enough to make me worry,
but i only remember this from the first time we spent the night together.
tonight we've not fallen asleep yet.
he made me a bath with the salts he used a few days ago when he was ill,
with some kind of tropical fever -- i guess performing in all that leather in a seventh floor okinawan venue will mess you up:
heavy air, cowhide constriction, percussion and sweat.
he's okay now -- we had his favorite sidewalk-stand ice cream on our date.
now he's dozing off.. i think...
his leg shakes a little, far away from us on the polar region of the bed.
he can't be nervous with me still, or is he?
his breathes the pacific breeze from our stroll this evening.
his right arm around me taps my shoulder.
i look into his face for the question but his eyes slip shut.
the dip of my back thuds a little from his fingers trembling like the late june drizzle of rainy season.
what's he doing??
i join him with closed eyes
and i feel it:
the pumping bass at our feet,
the toms and snare across my waist, fingering my equator,
my shoulder, the hi-hat, sharp and punctuated.
then i feel the entire rhythm in his body like a current, and my chills race with it as it snaps through my own frame.
i ask him with a whisper what he's playing.
he smiles, says he doesn't know.
i relax into his drum set and listen to his body's pulsing.

italicize those which apply to you

I wish I was a different ethnicity.
I have an eating disorder.
I'm short.
I'm tall.
I think I'm really attractive.
I prefer winter over summer.
I'm a geek.
I'm a shopaholic.
I'm reasonably intelligent.
I'm attracted to girls.
I'm attracted to boys.
I like British accents.
I smoke regularly.
I drink regularly.
I smoke socially.
I drink socially.
I get drunk easily.
I do drugs.
I will never date a bad kisser.
I've lied to avoid kissing them again.
I brush my hair at least 50 times a night.
I'm religious.
I'm not religious but have morals.
I lie frequently.
I'm impulsive.
I'm hardworking.
I liked "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind."
"She's All That" is one of my favourite movies.
I'm good at History.
I speak more than two languages.
I enjoy taking pictures.
I like spending money on myself.
I like spending money on others.
I have a regular income.
I earn money on a job-by-job basis.
I pay my own bills.
I rely on my parents for money.
I can cook.
I enjoy cleaning.
Tidyness is a must in my life.
I like clutter.
My idea of good music is Britney Spears.
I have heard of Blonde Redhead.
I enjoy Blonde Redhead.
I'm fashion-conscious.
I have good taste.
People tell me I have good taste.
I'm told I have yet to fulfill my potential.
I'm good at sports.
I'm good at certain sports.
I couldn't do sports to save my life.
I'm creative.
I'm artistically inclined.
I wanna be an artist when I grow up.
I wanna be an engineer when I grow up.
I eat when I'm upset.
I cannot adapt to change.
I'm interested in politics.
I have shoplifted.
I download MP3s.
I've done underage drinking.
I've gone underage clubbing.
I can dance reasonably well.
I can dance extremely well.
I dance like a cardboard gorilla.
I can sing.
I sing like someone stepped on my foot.
I can swim.
I enjoy surveys.
I keep a journal.
My teachers don't like me.
I enjoy controversy.
I can be a bitch/bastard
I have a thing for bad boys/girls.
I have tattoos.
I've been in a nudist colony.
I'm not sure if I want to have children.
I'm not sure if I'll get married.
I know who I will marry.
I'm interesting.
I'm a good liar.
People enjoy talking to me.
I annoy people from time to time.
I'm a born leader.
I'm a born leader but shouldn't lead.
I enjoy felching.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a shoe fetish.
I watch "Sex and the City."
I don't think Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty.
I wanna be J.Lo.
I cut myself.
I've cut myself.
I hate people who pretend to be suicidal.
I hate popular people.
I think cheerleading is a sport.
I'm photogenic.
I live in Chucks.
I think graffiti is art.
I have dated a criminal.
I have been cheated on.
I have cheated on someone.
I have a temper.
I like playgrounds.
I dance in the rain.
I'm obsessed with Shakespeare.
I have tanlines.
My favourite color is pink.
My favourite color is black
I would classify myself as emo.
I'm musically inclined.
I like listening to music
I like music-blasting cars.
Thongs are comfortable.
I like flip-flops.
I know what monogamy is...
...and I believe in it.
I wanna be a social worker when I grow up.
I have sibling/s.
My sibling/s annoy me.
I think "South Park" is funny
I believe in LOVE

to post secret:

i still pick up half-finished cigarettes off the ground and smoke them.


there are some disgusting habits i haven't decided are worth quitting.

i am trying to pry my fingers from my travel-size "life" handbag that i've been clutching since the summer's onset. it's dirty and worn (you can barely tell it's white), with some scattered zamami sand and many crumpled and folded ticket stubs, a few puri-kura stickers, and i can definitely smell beer.
i really don't want to let go.
my friends are in there.
what -- am i supposed to just dump them out and vacuum out the inside, sucking out all the memories?
throw it into the wash and let it hang-dry upside-down in the humidity to stiffen the canvas again?
do i want new girlfriends?
not really...
do i need them?
damn.
what am i gonna do then
keep the bag, shake it out a little really fast so i don't notice too much and tuck away the photos and the handdrawn naha maps and the phone numbers and the flyers into my stack of life.
look at them often.

i just hate letting go.
and i can't sleep at all.
i wake up buzzing around 5.

i hope we meet again soon

fate found me in okinawa
or perhaps fate is okinawa
whatever it may be
i belong
i hear the calling from ocean
i'm alive and my skin shows it
take me home
to okinawa

what color should i get -
white
or
black
stand-up bass?

new diet:
cereal+soy milk
sake
cheese sticks
raw vegetables
coffee

the truth is
i just wanna be drunk until this is all over
two weeks and my knee hasn't improved
fuck it
fuck it all

nothing is more disappointing than confrontation with the obvious that you've been long-ignoring
cause you wanted it really badly
but it obviously wasn't in the works

and now it's in your face
(he sits across from me)
and although you suspected it
(but i can't not look at him, he's hot)
you've been informed of what you dreaded
(he flirts and charms but he's taken)

i am painfully irritated with this shit right now
(it's mostly my woman-time-feelings talking)

last night i had a dream that i was fighting this guy
i guess he was dangerous or trying to hurt or kill me
he was bald and kinda shorter than me and little-to-no face
almost faceless
i was punching his face a lot
for a second i thought i was doing it for fun
but there was something urgent and terrifying and i knew it was for real
i could feel my fingers breaking
i could somehow see inside and saw my knuckles, tendons, bones
chipped pieces mixing in the blood and muscles
but i couldn't stop

alone again
and it's a good thing
i've been an ass
i got a kitten
and got rid of her
within a quick two weeks
what a shitty owner i was
but i didn't know
that i wasn't ready

now
i realize i can't have kids
or any big commitment
any serious relationship
i am so
not
ready

it's sad
and relieving
to know this about myself
i learned a hard lesson
in a short amount of time
without hurting too many
only spending a little
and now i know

now i can start packing
for okinawa
tropical paradise
a break from the reality
that is my faltering knee
my weak life
my lack of love

i feel nothing

my eyes empty,

made of glass

i don't know i just don't know

why
why is it i lose interest once i get it
i'm frustrated and worried about my kitty
and wish i could be away
traveling
partying
drinking
dining
fucking
dating
something.

i really just don't want to wait
for anything

and worse
i took a "what drug is your personality" lame online quiz and got ALCOHOL
it doesn't get any lamer than that
alcohol is just obnoxious

i'm kinda surprised
kinda not

You Are Wind

Strong and overpowering A force to be reckoned with, no one dares cross you You have the power to change everything around you You are best known for: your wrath Your dominant state: commanding

起
き
た
と
き

か
え
る
の
歌
謡

恋
予
感
。


I awaken to
the frog's ballad
calling for love.

梅
雨
の
味

あ
こ
が
れ
み
た
い

ほ
ろ
苦
い
。




The taste of rainy season
is like that of yearning -
bittersweet.

"Once an athlete breaks the cartilage in her knee, it will never heal and often will continue to break with heavy physical exercise. Doctors can remove lose pieces of cartilage, but they cannot operate to replace the lost cartilage.

The cartilages in the knee fit together like gears in your car. When cartilage of the lower leg extends upward, cartilage in the upper leg extends downward. When you break cartilage, the fit is less perfect and a hard force on the joint can cause further breakage of cartilage. Therefore, people who break cartilage in their knees are usually cautioned to avoid hard exercises that may continue to break cartilage in the knee and eventually require a knee replacement."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Between the femur and the tibia are two pads, one on the medial (inner) side of the knee and one on the lateral (outer) side of the knee. Each of these pads is called a meniscus.

The meniscus is made of fibrocartilage which gives it a rubbery texture. However within the meniscus there are also fibers of collagen that help maintain the shape of the meniscus. The meniscus has blood supply only at its outer attachments. Therefore, about 4/5 of a meniscus has no blood supply and therefore cannot heal a tear.

A torn meniscus can prevent normal pain-free motion of the knee and therefore can interfere with the patient's ability to climb stairs or get in and out of chairs and cars. Sometimes the pain in the knee causes the brain to shut off the Quadriceps muscle at the knee and leads to a "giving way" sensation.

Most traumatic meniscal tears occur as a result of a twisting injury when the knee rotates but the foot stays fixed in position. The meniscus can also tear from extreme bending of the knee. The combination of bend, rotation, and sudden kick that occurs in some forms of martial arts is associated with lateral meniscal tears."

two haiku

mourning and weeping
in this valley of tears, turn
then and reach for me


an explanation:
i always write two haiku
after much sake

it doesn't get much cooler than this --

my two faaaavorite bands in japan are playing at the same two-day event

i went last year where i first heard doberman

and as luck would have it

another kickASS band that i am newly (and suddenly closely) acquainted with will also be performing, the mackshow

i am meeting up with the drummer of the mackshow in tropical romantic okinawa to see the final show of their current tour and then to spend a few days of relaxing on the beach and ...

if i'm as lucky as i have been with the okinawa trip for this upcoming festa de rama, i'll be getting in for free and have a nice cozy place to stay

...instead of in the sand next to beer bottles and firework embers and hippie pee and sticks&stems.

* http://www.rama.ne.jp/rama2006/ *